GLOBAL WARMING NOW A SPECTATOR SPORT


glacier
Ten thousand Argentine tourists took pictures and applauded as the country’s largest glacier, Perito Moreno, 20 miles long and 200 feet high, crashed to Earth last month. Although smaller than other recent glacier breakups and collapses like the Ward Ice Shelf in Northern Canada and the 1300 square mile Larsen Ice Shelf in Antarctica, the collapse provides further evidence of the accelerating effects of global warming.

News of the tremendous tourist potential of such events hasn’t been lost on the commercial interests responsible for much of our planet’s climate change. ExxonMobil recently announced plans to offer Alaska cruises on board oil tankers modeled on the Exxon Valdez. The tankers will carry a full load of heavy crude, sail around the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and play ‘chicken’ among the ice floes. CEO Lee Raymond told reporters “Our passengers will be in for a thrilling ride. We all know how our tanker pilots love to drink and party, and unlike the boring spectacle last month when the ice floes narrowly missed that Atlantic drilling rig, we guarantee at least one catastrophic collision on each trip.”

In a similar vein, Weyerhaeuser announced plans to erect huge bleachers so that spectators can watch as the company wipes out an entire old growth forest in one afternoon. CEO Steve Rogel said “Viewers will be able to see a man-made disaster so awesome they’ll be able to show the devastated area to their grandchildren, and we’re going to top off the spectacle by laying off an entire community of loggers as soon as the event is over.”

Mel Gibson plans on filming both events and incorporating them into his next religious slasher pic, Return of the Christ. The film will include scenes with Jesus on a cross made of Weyerhaeuser fibreboard, being tortured with chainsaws, asking for a drink of water, but being given a glass of ExxonMobil Brent Crude instead, as a Jewish abortion doctor laughs and says “It’s OK, Christ, it’s unleaded.” Gibson insists a careful reading of the bible shows that these scenes are a realistic portrayal of actual historical events.

Similar eco-spectaculars are planned by the Tennessee Valley Authority, Dow Chemical, and Commonwealth Edison, but details cannot be released until the Bush Administration finalizes its new regulations to prohibit citizens from suing the companies for any wrongdoing.

Fox television is contemplating a series based on the events, tentatively called When Earth Gives Up: The World’s Greatest Ecological Collapses. The first episode would air right after the broadcast TV debut of the eco-flick The Core, in which a brave cadre of engineers visits the centre of the Earth to fix its rotational spin. Subsequent episodes would follow other eco-flicks, including Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis as an oilman who saves Earth by blowing up an approaching asteroid with a nuclear bomb. Fox also holds the rights to the newest eco-disaster film, The Day After Tomorrow about the effects of abrupt climate change, due in theatres May 28.

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5 Responses to GLOBAL WARMING NOW A SPECTATOR SPORT

  1. Philip says:

    April Fool you got me…

  2. Phil says:

    If you had any ambition, you’d be down in South Carolina right now selling tickets to Return of the Christ. You wouldn’t be able to print them fast enough.Great post!

  3. Sean says:

    This was great, Dave. I mean, not really great, obviously, but clever and funny, which is helpful while working to insure that the biggest April Fool’s Day joke isn’t that this isn’t a joke at all.Thanks!

  4. Dave Pollard says:

    Heh! Thanks to all my victims, and to Feedster for picking me, today of all days, as it’s site of the day. BTW, if you want to see something really funny, read this.

  5. Pedro says:

    Very funny. Great blog.

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