Protesters Call for End to Canada’s Annual Slaughter of Conservatives

The snow and ice of Canada is set to turn red with blood once again as hunters prepare to embark on an operation to club or shoot up to 320,000 conservatives. The government quota has been increased tenfold for the next three years as populations of conservatives in some of Canada’s most isolated areas have spiked, following the demise of their natural predators, and as unemployment of hunters and fishermen has soared due to overexploitation of Canada’s natural resources.

Pointing to the appointment of disgraced Canadian conservative businessman Conrad Black to the British House of Lords, British and European trade critics have accused Canada of “dumping” their excess unwanted conservatives there. “We have enough of our own to deal with”, said Germany’s trade minister, “We don’t need Canada sending us their bloated conservative carcasses. There is absolutely no use for them.”

Political rights campaigners have begun a boycott of Canadian bacon, maple sugar and other products and this year’s hunt is set to be as controversial as before. The controversy is inextricably linked to the visceral images of hapless, slow-moving conservatives being clubbed to death and the ice floes turning red with their blood and brains. Hunters say that using a spiked club or hakapik is a humane method but opponents say the conservatives are often skinned alive and left to die, pointing out as an example the treatment of former conservative leader and now deputy leader Peter MacKay at a recent conservative gathering.

“I think it comes down to being a values issue,” said Ralph Wingnut, a spokeswoman for the International Fund for Conservative Welfare (IFCW) which is opposed to the hunt. Despite the efforts of activists, hunting of Canadian conservatives has long been a way of life for some. “There is really nothing new about this year’s hunt,” said Roger Wilco, a Liberal government spokesman.

“They’re really responsible for their own demise”, Wilco added. “They breed like flies, and they’re constantly attacking each other. We’re actually doing them a favour by putting them out of their misery before they starve or kill each other. And they eat like pigs — we think they’re responsible for the decline of our fisheries, and maybe even for Mad Cow”. Many conservatives are found in Alberta and British Columbia, where two cases of Mad Cow disease have recently been uncovered. In the US, large cattle herds and conservatives are also known to frequent the same areas.

The conservative-hunters insist that their actions are not cruel. “These doddering beasts are not intelligent, they don’t even know what’s happening to them”, said local conservative-hunter Jack Hoff. “They have very tiny brains, and they have repeatedly shown that they are incapable of feeling pain, or anything else”.

Canadian conservative leader Stephen Harper compounded conservatives’ misfortunes this week, praising George Bush as a great leader, and saying Canada made a mistake to refuse to participate in the US Missile Defence program and the Iraq War. “I would have sent all five members of Canada’s armed forced to Iraq”, he insisted. He also opposed Canada’s approval of the Kyoto Accord, and is threatening to force the minority Liberal government into an election over that issue. Critics pounced on Harper’s statements as further evidence that conservatives are incapable of sentient thought or feeling.

The government insists that the conservative hunt protects against overpopulation of the species and provides jobs in economically depressed parts of the country. “With the demise of the fisheries industry in Canada [due to overfishing], we needed to find something else for the people in the industry to kill”, said former fisheries minister (now minister without portfolio) Wilbur Wackjob. “These are very proud people. They have a great history of indiscriminately overharvesting Canada’s natural resources, and that’s something this government supports.”

The government is also investigating a West Coast conservative hunt to provide much needed jobs for BC’s loggers, since aggressive clear-cutting of Canada’s old growth forests has decimated the province’s natural beauty and forestry employment is suffering. “The use of chain saws will be much more effective than the clubs used in the East Coast hunt”, a spokesman said. He defended the proposal, pointing out that Canada’s mismanaged forestry industry is predominantly owned by conservative American conglomerates. “That just shows how brainless they are”, the spokesman added. “They won’t feel a thing.”