Exclusive: South Korean Clones Replaced G8 Leaders After 9/11

Now, thanks to a new FEC ruling that says bloggers (online journalists) are journalists, and entitled to the rights and freedoms thereof, How to Save the World can finally reveal the horrifying truth that explains the strange decisions made by global political leaders since 9/11. This journal has learned, from a highly-placed top-secret government source (I promise I won’t tell, CP!) that more than four years ago at a special closed meeting of G8 leaders, those leaders opted, for security reasons, to have themselves replaced by clones created using a new South Korean process, and since then have been living in luxurious retirement in Fiji.

The clones, while physically identical to the leaders they replaced, have periodically behaved in bizarre and unpredictable ways, and have even reportedly regressed to an earlier evolutionary state, exhibiting chimp-like behaviours. While this has not posed any recognizable problem in the case of the clones of US president George Bush or then-prime minister of Canada Jean Chretien, in the case of some other G8 leaders like Tony Blair the simian behaviour has been quite noticeable. The Blair clone has been caught on several occasions mimicking the ape-like behaviour of uncloned fellow Briton Margaret Thatcher, including occasionally throwing his own feces at political opponents.

Accordingly, the few advisors to the G8 leaders who were in on the top-secret cloning process, devised the Strategic Dartboard System (SDS) to enable the clones to make plausible decisions even in the absence of these advisors. Under the SDS program, four possible alternatives are devised and attached to dartboards using yellow Post-It Notes, and the clones then select which alternative to pursue by throwing a dart until it lands on one of the yellow notes. If you have noticed that G8 leaders have recently been disappearing completely from view for a few days after national emergencies, this is because it takes some time to train the clones to throw the darts accurately and to absorb the ‘talking points’ given to them to reflect the ‘decision’ that the dart program has made for them. After Hurricane Katrina, for example, the Bush clone became alternatively sullen and hysterical, throwing darts at his own advisors and at the spouses of outed CIA operatives instead of at the board, and became flustered at having to recite multisyllabic words in the talking points like ‘accountability’ and ‘preparedness’.

Our top-secret informant has furnished this journal with four photos of decisions made using SDS:

In 2002, when the Afghanistan War began running off the rails, and with public impatience over the failure to catch those responsible for 9/11 growing, the George Bush clone made this momentous throw to decide how to resolve the situation:


Shortly thereafter, the Tony Blair clone decided how the UK government would respond using this throw:


Fortunately for Canada, the Jean Chretien clone, using the identical dartboard, failed in 60 consecutive attempts to hit the dartboard, instead hitting his soon-to-be successor Paul Martin 28 times; as a result, he decided to do nothing about the Iraq situation, and instead turned his attention to the problem of what to do about the threat of Quebec separation. Money was available from the Canadian budget surplus to fund a pro-federalism campaign, so the Jean clone, hitting the board on the first try, made this unexpected and fateful decision on how to distribute the campaign moneys:


Of course, successor Paul Martin could not be told of the secret cloning of the G8 leaders, including that of his predecessor, which is why he was completely unaware of the decision. That decision has drawn both men into a scandal that threatens to make federal elections a monthly process in Canada for the foreseeable future. Martin, recovering from dart wounds for months before Chretien stepped down, was never even made aware of the dartboard that was used for several years to determine government policy, and immediately began making government policy decisions using ‘logic’, which has threatened to undermine the entire SDS program. Accordingly, the G8 clones have been working furiously to get Martin’s minority government defeated, by supporting Canadian Conservative leader Stephen Harper’s bids to topple the government. Harper, while not a South Korean program clone, is reportedly a clone of former Canadian prime minister Brian Mulroney, whose bizarre behaviour is not perceivably different from that produced by clones following the SDS program.

More recently, the Bush clone used the dartboard to make this critical decision on how to deal with the largest national debt in the history of civilization:


The dartboard has also been behind the very quick Bush clone nominations to the Supreme Court. Rather than using yellow Post-It Notes for these decisions, four cards were simply selected at random from Karl Rove’s rolodex.

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2 Responses to Exclusive: South Korean Clones Replaced G8 Leaders After 9/11

  1. Jon Husband says:

    deliciously funny .. and unfortunately painfully too close to the truth.Why, oh why do so many of us p[ersist in believing (or wanting to believe) that one person, with a few sycophantic colleagues) can deal effectively with so much rolling complexity.It’s absurd .. really, it is. Hierarchy does NOT work effectively as a governing principle in suchg conditions.

  2. Berlin says:

    This is so insightfully funny!

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