“That’s Not What I Meant”

Here’s a very rude and hugely entertaining test you can try: Eavesdrop on couples in restaurants and, at first, don’t look at them — just pay attention to the tone of voice and the words they are using. You will probably find that (a) there is a substantial dissonance between the words they say and the tone of voice they use (if you wrote down the words and recited them deadpan the meaning would either be very different from the tone they use, or the meaning would be completely indecipherable), and (b) the tone of voice is a lot more ‘articulate’ (apparently closer to the real meaning that the speaker is trying to convey) than the choice of words. Now look at them, and see whether their facial expressions or body language convey something more, or different, from what you picked up from their tone of voice. If the couple know each other well, chances are any differences will be just subtleties of degree, not of substance.

When I’ve done this, it’s been hard for me (and whoever I’m eavesdropping with) not to laugh out loud. Couples in love emit these strange high-pitched sounds (males as well as females) that convey ardour much more clearly than their trite, bland word constructions. When a couple is not getting along, or have seemingly grown apart, their silences speak volumes, as do the sighs. Usually one person (not always the male) is doing most of the talking, and it’s like an agonizing fishing expedition, the talker trying to drag more than monosyllables out of the non-talker. There is an unmistakable distinct tone for: exhaustion, exasperation, nervousness, restlessness, growing interest (in either the conversation or the person with whom they are speaking), and growing disinterest (in groups of three or more that can be masked by silence; in couples the tone that evinces growing disinterest has kind of a choppy quality to it, like a verbal shrug). The fact that all these tones are so apparent despite the propensity of most males to dominate conversations is quite remarkable (women tend to convey tones much more succinctly than men).

I haven’t extended the research to larger groups, or to conversations between two males or two females, but I suspect that the general finding still applies — when it comes to meaning, tone trumps content, and the face and body just restate the tone for greater clarity.

I would also say that males, compared to females, tend to rely more on visual clues and less on aural clues. Most women can convey dripping sarcasm in less than a sentence, while walking away from you. When men try to do this, they sound like William Buckley. Meanwhile, the movements of men’s eyebrows and hands tend to telegraph (sometimes inadvertently) their feelings without even needing to talk. Women seem to have more control over these signals, perhaps because they know how easily other women pick up on them.

And don’t ever try to put one over on the family pet. Dogs can read your tone of voice and your facial expression and body language almost before you express them.

Another interesting experiment is to watch a television drama or comedy, or a movie, with the sound turned off, and then at some point turn the sound on and see how much you missed. I’ve found I laugh more at comedies when there’s no sound — clearly the actors are trying to make the best of generally lame scripts, and the annoying laugh track doesn’t interfere with your appreciation. You miss more in genuine dramas (as contrasted with so-called ‘action’ films, which are mostly cartoons without the clever animation) when you turn off the sound — though I confess that I’ve often found the plot and dialogue I’ve constructed in my head when I’ve turned the sound off, more interesting than the ones provided by the writers. But despite the plot divergence, I usually get the relationship (both its nature and quality) between the characters spot on without having to listen to a word they say.

So in case it wasn’t obvious, the message here is that if you’re trying to convey something important, do it in person, or at least by Skype or phone — and never try to convey criticism, sarcasm, irony (or any other subtle nuance) or bad news by e-mail. It will always be misconstrued, no matter how you try to finesse your message. In e-mail, smileys are just a way ofapologizing in advance for how you think you will be misunderstood.

Thanks to Dale Asberry for the link to the Wired article.