Learning to Say No

In my book Finding the Sweet Spot (info at right), prospective entrepreneurs are encouraged to find the place where your gifts (what you do uniquely well), your passions (what you love doing), and your purpose (what is needed in the world that you care about), all intersect.

From conversations with a lot of people, both entrepreneurs and employees, I have found that most of the work people do seems to be in areas 4, 5 and 6 in the chart above:

• Disappointing work — work you enjoy doing and which is clearly needed, but which you don’t do particularly well
• Disengaged work — work you do well and which is clearly needed, but which you don’t particularly enjoy
• Self-sacrificing work — work which is clearly needed, but which you struggle to do well and don’t do particularly well

As I’ve applied this approach to coaching people to find the work they’re meant to do, I’ve observed that this sweet spot approach to deciding how to spend our time can apply equally to the things people do with their time away from the workplace — hobbies, volunteer work, and time spent with loved ones in family and community. And I’ve observed that in these life pursuits, too, most of people’s time seems to be spent doing activities outside the area 3 sweet spot. Specifically:

• Hobbies — these tend to be things we enjoy but aren’t appreciated (area 1 and 2), though a surprising number of people seem to continue hobbies they’ve started but no longer really enjoy (area 7 or 5, or outside all of the three circles)
• Volunteer work — much volunteer work seems to be taken on out of feelings of responsibility or guilt, and it is frequently mismatched to skills, so it’s most often area 6 work (especially fundraising)
• Family/community time — a distressing number of people I know acknowledge their family/community obligations as “their second (or third) job”; the initial love has faded or died, so it’s most often area 5 and 6 “work”

So I know a guy who’s really depressed. His job is area 5 work, his hobby (fixing things) is in such demand that it too has become grueling area 5 work, his “volunteer” work (related to senior care, including his own relatives) is area 6 work, and his family obligations are a mix of area 4 and 6 work. His life is all work and no fun, and even the things he started out of love are now done out of obligation.

How did he get into this situation? Three reasons:

1. His passions changed.
2. He mistook things he cared about for things he had a passion for (they’re not the same thing — there are many causes I care about and believe in but shudder at the thought of dedicating much of my time to working on).
3. He never learned to say “no”.

My guess is that he’s in very good company. We are, after all, social creatures. When people ask us for something, we are inclined to say “yes”, even if it’s not something we’re good at, or passionate about, or care about. If someone asks us for something, they must really need it, right? And if they’re asking us, it’s because they have a legitimate expectation that we can and should fill that need, right? Or else, why would they have asked us?

Maybe because they knew we’d say “yes”?

There are of course situations where we have no real choice but to say “yes” to something that is in area 5 or 6, most notably when our children or elder family members legitimately need us to take care of them. But I think we’re often victimized by people who are just needy or dependent or helpless by nature (or out of ignorance), or who are lazy (and I confess to being lazy myself), or who are manipulative. Here are the key phrases to listen for (from bosses, lovers, family members, friends, charitable organizations, customers, and others) when the right answer, for you, is quite likely “no”:

1. “I would have expected/thought that you would have…”
2. “I expected more of you.”
3. “I confess I’m disappointed that you failed to…”
4. “I really need you to do this.”
5. “I don’t ask much of you, but…”
6. “It wouldn’t have hurt you to…”
7. “We need your support now to [insert needy cause here]”
8. “We only need…”
9. “If there was anyone else I could have asked…”
10. “If you really loved me you would…”
11. “All I’m asking is that you…”
12. “It’s unfair/unreasonable of you not to…”
13. “I’ll repay the favour, I promise.”
14. “I’m not asking anything from you that I wouldn’t ask of anyone who…”
15. “I know you won’t mind…”
16. “This is something you’re really good at…”
17. “We all need to do our part…”

You get the idea. In each case you’re put in a situation where it’s harder to say “no” than to say “yes”. Yet we know we’re going to pay for that “yes”. We can feel it even when we’re saying “yes” (it’s more likely to come out “OK” or “I suppose…” or “well if there’s no real alternative” or some other phrase that acknowledges, with an explicit or tacit sigh, that you’ve fallen for the trap. Again.

What we don’t factor into all these “yesses” is the cost, to our own happiness, to the time (or in the case of charities, who allow us to buy back that time with a donation of money, a ransom in lieu of time) that might have been spent doing something that was in our area 3 sweet spot, and even to the person who we have now accepted as a dependent, and who may have in the process made us a co-dependent, feeding their need.

Our society keeps us in check, by pounding us into obedience and low self-esteem in our families (some families anyway), in school, in the workplace, in social circles bent on making us everybody-else, and in the struggle to find love (that is withheld and rationed to increase its value). The lower your self-esteem, the harder it is to say “no”.

But we owe it to ourselves to learn the three things that make it easier for us to say “no”:

1. What are true passions are, even when they change. Every time we say “yes” to something we have no passion for (or no longer have passion for), we short-change ourselves, reducing the time available for things, just as important, just as needed, that we do.
2. The difference between our passions (what we love doing) and things we care about. Illustration: One of my passions is writing. One of the things I really care about is reducing suffering to all-life-on-Earth. I said “no” to a request to do some volunteer work at an animal shelter (mainly because I would probably throttle the first person I met who had hurt an animal). Instead, I write about animal cruelty, and the value of adopting shelter pets rather than buying from breeders or pet shops.
3. How to say “no”. This is the hardest learning. When you get put in the situation where it’s easier to say “yes” than “no” but you get that twinge of knowing you don’t really want to do what is needed, the best thing to do is buy time: don’t say yes or no, no matter how insistant or adamant the person asking you is. Telemarketers understand that the deferring of the “purchasing” decision they want you to make is a huge threat to their likelihood of success, and they pull out all the stops to try to create urgency (“limited time offer” etc.). So defer. Then:

Tell yourself, until you have it down pat: You are not responsible for others’ expectations of you. If they are needy, or helpless, or lazy, or manipulative, that’s their problem, not yours. If they’re needy or helpless, what they probably need most is a way to become less needy, not someone to cater to their neediness. They need someone skilled (probably not you) in making them less needy, someone who can teach them to do things themselves, to not require so much attention and appreciation themselves, to be physically, emotionally and intellectually more independent and self-reliant.

If they’re lazy or manipulative, you’re doing everyone a favour by not saying “yes”, by not falling for what is essentially abusive behaviour. If your boss says he’s “disappointed” that you haven’t done something, he’s playing with you. He’s annoyed that you’re doing (or have done) what you think is right, instead of what he wants you to do. Don’t let the lazy and manipulative lay a guilt or fear trip on you. Just say “no”, unapologetically, and why you’re saying no. If he’s going to fire you if you don’t do something you don’t believe is right, or a priority, then force him to be honest about it, and then decide whether your life and principles and happiness are worth giving up for such a weasel boss, because he’s just going to keep on doing it.

Cats and dogs have much to teach us about this. They understand that every attempt to get a favour or concession from another is a power negotiation. Your reaction is very reinforcing — whether friendly, resigned, politely resistant, or hostile. You keep saying “yes” when you want to say “no”, you’re reinforcing that the neediness or helplessness or laziness or manipulative behaviour works, and you’ll get a lot more of the same. But if you defer the decision, you’re showing that you won’t be pushed, and if you say “no” and then if appropriate explain why, unapologetically and undefensively, then eventually they’ll give up asking you. Examples of possible appropriate reasons (and they’re about you, not the other person or the cause): “I don’t contribute to causes through telemarketers”; “I have too many other important things to do to take this on” (and don’t respond to a demand to list those other important things); or even “This is not my responsibility.”

It’s not easy. No one wants a confrontation, a guilt trip, tears, repercussions. Just remember: When you say “yes” when you want to say “no”, you are effectively saying “no” to something you do have passion for, something that you will now not have time for. You are reinforcing neediness and dependency and learned helplessness. And you are not responsible for others’ expectations of you. And sometimes when it’s too hard to say “no”, you may be able to say “I’ll think about it.” And then really think about it.

Trust your instincts — listen to that twinge that is telling you to say “no”. You owe it to yourself. In your work, and in your personal life, there is stuff in the sweet spot that you’re meant to do. Stuff you love to do, that you’re great at doing, and that is really needed in the world. Get to know yourself well enough to know what that stuff is (and don’t forget: it will change, as you change). Don’t settle for doing anything less.

One final thing: Maybe, unconsciously, unintentially, you put others in the same awkward and annoying spot by asking them to do something, out of neediness, helplessness, laziness or because it’s easy to manipulate them. If you do, please stop. Imagine how they feel, wanting desperately to say “no” and feeling obliged to say “yes”. Learn how not to need, and how not to put others in this position, and then model that behaviour.