Last week I was recuperating from a back injury, so I had more than the usual amount of time for reflection, time to do nothing, and I really like the space it’s left me in. For someone who spends too much time thinking, too much time in his own head, I have to admit that having unrushed time to think about things that are actually important to me, and with it, time to feel, to pay attention to my senses, and to listen to my intuitions, seems to be good for me. Perhaps rather than thinking too much, my problem may be that I think reactively too much.
It has occurred to me that, rather than some kind of ‘self-improvement’ actions, what I should be focusing on is getting rid of the gunk — the anxiety-creating stories and commensurate emotions, the tasks I’ve undertaken that are not essential to anyone, all the stuff that needs to be looked after — gunk that is preventing me from having the time to just be Me. I don’t need more things to do, I need fewer. And perhaps if I create more time for myself to just be Me, I will find that I am living in the Now.
Rather than starting this week stressed and ‘behind’ as a result of having not done much on my ‘to do’ list last week, I started the week relaxed, refreshed, focused. I accomplished twice as much today as I usually do, and I did it better. I was more attentive to the people I work with, more centred, able to bring more concentration to the problems at hand, and more imagination and creativity. I was more helpful.
I recently pledged to learn to increase my awareness of my own feelings, manage my own emotions better, improve my emotional communication, and become more attentive and appreciative of others’ feelings and the context that has created them. I am starting to sense that by just being Me, just living in the Now, I might automatically and immediately become better at doing these five natural things. Living in the Now, it seems to me, must accelerate one’s self-knowledge to the point one becomes more intelligent (in useful ways), more emotionally intelligent, more aware and ‘sensitive’, more intuitive, more present.
Today I felt closer to people, more sympathetic. Could this living in the New even be the remedy for my misanthropy?
Perhaps it’s just the euphoria of feeling better after feeling ill. But maybe all these struggles to try to meditate, to try to get myself into a space, this simpler ‘space through which stuff passes’, are bearing some real fruit. If so, here are the things that I’ve been doing differently, that might be worth making more time for:
These attentive, solitary, sensory pursuits slow my breathing, my heart rate, and silence the machine in my head. Perhaps this is my meditation.
After I’ve spent some time doing them, I seem to be more centred, more ready for social activities, more competent at them. I enjoy them more. I’m more present.
I’m more Me.